Sometimes I'm not very good at this whole Mama thing. I know everyone has those days, it's normal and we're human, but it's hard when it's these little people of ours who pay for it. I make more good decisions than bad ones, but sometimes it feels like other people are better at this than us. So, here's my little confession.
Sophie has had a hard time adjusting to my going back to work, and I've been sick and had less time for her this past week. Not surprisingly, we had a bedtime recently that involved an epic meltdown at bath time and several trips out of bed once we got her in it. So when she appeared at her door once too often muttering what I thought was her wanting to sing me a song, my patients was done. All I could think about was the shower I desperately needed and repeated "Go to bed! Go to bed! Go to bed!" over her protests and shut myself in the bathroom until I was clean and human again. Not before I had heard her whimper "Seashell" from her bed though. But I went anyways.
What's the big deal you're thinking? She was supposed to be in bed. Mama's are allowed to be cranky by the end of the day, especially sick ones. The "Go to bed!" 's could have been uttered without the exclamation marks but weren't unreasonable.
That's because you don't know about Seashell.
Seashell is her baby song, the lullaby that is hers alone and that I've sung to her since before she can remember. Every once in awhile when she's upset or lonely she will ask for it, and I will sit on her bed and rock her while I sing it.
Except I didn't.
My tired, sore, dirty, frustrated, self-pitying and thoroughly done self left her in the dark instead of taking two minutes to help her calm down.
Just the sort of decision that leaves you feeling like pond scum once you've relaxed (and showered).
She's probably already forgotten it. Especially since she woke up later that same evening for some water. I brought it to her, rocked her in my arms and sang, grateful for the chance to try again.
Sing a song for me.
Tell me about the ocean,
Tell me about the sea...